Monthly Archives: March 2014

Way Too Picky

From the ShadchanCOACH mail inbox:

“Is it my imagination or in the last few years parents are getting overly selective to the point that they just are not “opening their eyes”?
I often get the answer, “oh we don’t think it’s a Shidduch”. No particular reason, or they won’t share the reason.
Sometimes a person should be willing to try and see, and not decide that its not a Shidduch , if there seems to be some possibility there.
If there is anything you might want to elaborate on , this is one of my frustrations.” read more

Get Real!!! Don’t Date With A Mask

On Purim we dress up, reminding ourselves and others that our outward appearance and behavior is always a mask. We realize that all those things that separate us from each other have nothing to do with our real identity. The celebration of Purim gives us the ability to look behind the mask and discover the real person. Purim TIP-shim [1] Segulah for getting married: get engaged. [2] The economy is so bad people have started marrying for love. [3] Shidduchim are like “where’s Waldo?” We know he’s out there, but he’s just too hard to find… And…. there are so many lookalikes of Waldo, it gets soooo confusing. [4] A true story that actually happened – A Flatbush guy, goes on a date with a Boro Park Bais Yaakov girl. The guy sees they have absolutely nothing in common, so he keeps driving around the town without saying a word. The girl starts talking about her learning on the phone nightly with her chavrusa. She’s going on and on about learning with her chavrusah Mesilas Yesharim. Then she asks her date, if he ever learned Mesilas Yesharim!!! His reply: I watched the movie!!!

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Being Open and Getting Personal

2-18-14 – Being Open and Getting Personal

How many dates are over before they even start? The bochur or girl hesitate to “open up” because they don’t know where it’s all heading. They would rather wait for the 5th or 6th date before sharing any personal information or thoughts. Problem is, they may not get to the 2nd or 3rd date let alone the 5th or 6th date; which is so often the case.

There seems to be a misunderstanding as to what “opening up” is. “Opening up” does not mean sharing personal , private, sensitive information. “Opening up” means being conversational, show genuine interest, be engaging, share thoughts that are neutral and not intruding , and discuss generic topics of interest. “Personal information” does not need to be discussed unless you feel comfortable doing so and feel there is serious potential for marriage with the one whom you are dating. read more

Dor Yesharim Testing

2-18-14 – Dor Yesharim Testing

I often hear if one is dating someone of Sephardic descent, that they needn’t test with Dor Yesharim. Recently I attended a workshop with Dr. Zev Zlatopolsky, M.A., Director of the Dept. of Pre-Implantation Genetics at the Reproductive Genetics Institute, Chicago, who is consulted daily by Rabbonim, Shadchanim and individuals worldwide, who debunked this notion and strongly encouraged a Dor Yesharim test for all individuals regardless of being Sephardi or Ashkenazi. read more

Redding Shidduch Between Close Family Friends

2-3-14 – Redding shidduch between close family friends

It is very common for suggestions for a shidduch to be made between very close family friends. How should one proceed in order to avoid offending the other party should one wish to decline or reject the suggestion?

Use a shadchan or 3rd party so it doesn’t become personal and hope both sides approach the suggestion with maturity, sensitivity and understanding.

Likewise, if they do decide to date, it will be much easier and smoother to discontinue dating down the line if a shadchan is involved. read more

No is No!!!

1-20-14 – No is No!; unless you want to try reverse that through the right channels. Cell #’s are usually exchanged for the sole reason of calling or texting when arriving for the date. Receiving your date’s cell# does not give one a license to continue to call or text after it has been decided it is not shayech – regardless of the reason. Nor is acceptable to Instant Message former dates on Facebook or via any other social media forums. Unfortunately some feel it is open game and their actions border harassment. To the point, it works against them to their detriment. Harassing a former date creates a negative reputation and people do talk. So if you wish to push your luck, protocol calls for contacting the intermediary or shadchan who originally setup the date to see if there is any possibility of a second chance. read more

After Date Feedback

1-14-14 – From the ShadchanCOACH inbox:

After Date Feedback

Can you please comment what is the correct practice?

Recently,at the end of a 2nd date, the girl said upon exiting the car “I will see you next time”. The guy felt the date went very well and was therefore looking forward to the 3rd date. Shadchan and guy did not hear from girl till late the following afternoon when she called it off.  The boy was left hanging an entire day and confused why the change of heart.

My response:

The girl’s comments after the date were a bit misleading. She could have said “Thank you for an enjoyable evening. I’ll be in touch through the shadchan”. On the other hand, if she really feels she would like a third date, nothing wrong in saying “I’ll see you next time”. The question then is, wwhy did she have a change of heart and how to avoid a day of total frustration. read more

It’s Just Not Shayech

1-5-14 – As a shadchan involved in presenting suggestions and setting up many dates, one of the most frustrating responses or feedback I commonly hear is “we don’t feel its shayech”. If I question if they can elaborate so I can keep in mind when making further suggestions, the answer will be “no, it’s just not shayech”. I understand one side not wanting the information to be passed on. Dating is a very personal and sensitive arena. It is very admirable not wanting to offend the feelings of others. But in dealing with a shadchan, strict confidentiality is in order and detailed feedback is integral in allowing the shadchan to make appropriate suggestions and afford the proper advice and guidance warranted. read more

Travelling

12-29-13 – At a workshop I gave in Melbourne Australia, I received differing opinions as to what is protocol in terms of who travels to whom when dating. The accepted attitude is “כי יקח איש אשה” the man takes a woman. Thus the bochur should go to the girls location to date. If the bochur is limited in travel due to job constraints, he can offer to pay her ticket to travel to him if she is out of town. Ifthe bochur has limited funds but can travel, the girls parents can also offer to pay for his ticket if they can afford to. Some people are adamant that regardless of the situation, the bochur must travel and pay for his own ticket. No exceptions made. read more