It is now 2 months since Rosh Hashana – the beginning of the New Year 5777. For many, it meant a time of new resolutions. Excitement. Renewal. Reconnection. (see last Tip of the Week). All good intentions for the year to come. However, only 2 months into the year, and we have to ask ourselves “how are the resolutions coming along?” Some will laugh it off forgeting if they even made a new resolution or what indeed they were. Others will respond with the classical “it’s the thought that counts”. And yet others a bit more optimistic will say, “I’m waiting for January 1st to give it another chance but this time I’m serious”.
Why do most people who make New Year resolutions fail to achieve their goals?
People make resolutions to find avenues of motivating themselves for change. However, by setting unrealistic goals and having unrealistic expectations, they are, in all reality, not committed to real change. Unfortunately, another turnoff is when one encounters an obstacle to their plans or don’t see positive results soon enough, they lose all hope and revert back to old habits.
Making resolutions work involves changing behaviors—and in order to change a behavior, you have to change your thinking and attitude.
Practically speaking, how does this translate into making a resolution that is achievable for the long term; and more specifically in relation to shidduchim?
Deciding one will lose weight, exercise or giving tzedaka is not sufficient to be sustainable long term. One cannot think in general terms. One must consider the specifics how to achieve those goals in detail.
Losing weight – One must ascertain, how much weight is realistic to lose over a certain period of time? How does that translate on a weekly and monthly basis? Practically speaking, what eating habits will be adopted to accomplish those goals? What foods will be eliminated from one’s diet? What size portions will contribute to a healthy diet? How will this be monitored daily and to whom will there be accountability? Without considering the above, it will be extremely difficult losing weight.
Exercise – Things to consider: how often, where (gym, at home, at a park….), how (bike, treadmill, stairmaster, weights), and time for how long
Charity – How much, when, to which causes, how often.
Shidduchim – Don’t just declare: this year I am getting married. Create a system of getting suggestions; whether from databases, shadchans, relatives and friends. Make one or two calls a day. Choose 1-2 profiles you will research at a time. Create time to call references. Schedule when you will respond to whomever made the suggestion. Consult a mentor, mashpia or counselor/coach if you need an objective opinion and guidance. Small constant steps can be much more effective. Too much effort and and demanding too much action will cause you to quit too quickly.
Don’t become obsessed. Don’t stress. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the follow up and enjoy dating.
The greater the detail, the easier it will be to follow. The easier it will be to achieve.
Please share with me your resolutions if you are dating or if you are a parent looking for your child.